So You’ve Split Up…
If you’re reading this then the chances are that your relationship has recently ended and you desperately want to know how to reunite with your loved one. You are hurting so much that you can’t begin to imagine how life will go on without your former partner. Well, the good news is, that it will – really!
Also, whilst it may be of little consolation to you at the moment, as your pain is still so raw, we have all been there at some point or other in our lives. Whether your ex ended the relationship or you did, in the heat of the moment, what matters now is that you are hurting and want a reconciliation.
No Contact Rule is Hard
No doubt you will already have searched the internet for some magic solution on how to win back your former partner. You may have read about and possibly even bought, some programs which promised to reunite you with your ex in 7, 14 or 30 days. Well, the harsh reality is that no book or program can guarantee any such thing. You are vulnerable and your thought process somewhat irrational. You want to believe that these claims are possible. However, that does not mean that they are…and I know that’s not what you want to hear right now!
Nonetheless, there are some steps you can take which will help you become emotionally stronger, maintain your dignity and possibly, and I stress the word possibly, get back with your heart’s desire.
Everything that I have discovered, about how to win back your former partner, essentially revolves around the no contact rule. Naturally, there are some twists and variations but implementing the no contact rule after break up is at the core of all of these “miracle” solutions.
Below, I have shared the No Contact Rule with you. Use it wisely.
Before you read on, please, please, please remember that this is not a game!
This is for real people with real emotions.
Whilst the no contact rule is based on rather simplistic human psychology, it is not about seeking revenge on your former partner and should never be abused as such.
You are not trying to make him or her jealous nor is it about lying. The no contact rule enables you to retreat gracefully and maintain your dignity whilst you rebuild yourself. It also enables both parties to reflect upon what they may have lost.
Don’t play games – you are better than that.
Not every disagreement results in a permanent breakup. When you have split from your partner in the past, one of you will have contacted the other and you will have typically reunited within a matter of days. That may well have been the norm for your relationship.
However, this time it is different. It is more serious.
You have done what you would normally do in this situation but it is not working. Maybe your ex would always contact you but so far hasn’t done so. Maybe you have been calling, texting, messaging, begging your ex to come back, but to no avail. You feel extremely confused and distraught.
Well, this is a whole new ball game and with that comes a whole new set of rules. These new “rules” stem from what is known as reverse psychology.
It is best not to get too hung up over any technical jargon. Simply think of reverse psychology as doing the exact opposite of what your ex would normally expect you to do.
The no contact rule also relies upon some fundamental human behavioural traits which can be summed up with the following well know sayings:
- We all want what we can’t have.
- You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
- Silence is golden.
- Everyone loves a winner.
The no contact rule is not an easy strategy to implement. The best advice I can give you is to keep busy by improving yourself and your life and, most importantly…
Take it one day at a time.
No Contact Rule After Break Up
It’s over…for now at least. Accept it and move on.
Do not contact your former partner for a minimum of 2 weeks.*
Ok, some deep breaths called for here. This means:
- No texts, calls, messages or emails
- Do not “accidentally on purpose” try bumping into your ex or stalking them
- Do not beg or plead with them to take you back
- Avoid any deliberate form of contact with your ex’s friends or family
Give them some space, a chance to breathe and reflect upon your time together.
You must give them:
- Plenty of space to miss you
- Time to worry if you’ve moved on with your life
- Time to realize that they want you back
- The opportunity to work out a plan to get you back
Your ex does not just want some space, they genuinely need space to work through their feelings and emotions.
*If children are involved then they may be legitimate reasons why you need to contact your former partner. If this is the case, then please ensure that contact is kept to a minimum and that you don’t make up excuses to call.
No Contact Rule Motivation
Improve Yourself After Break Up
We all deserve a little self indulgence from time to time but there reaches a point when you really must get your act together. So, if you haven’t made it out of bed for several days and/or have not bothered with your appearance then today is the day when all that changes.
You need to keep busy by improving yourself and your life. If and when you do reunite you should be looking your absolute best and have moved forward with your life. I’m not talking drastic steps here such as cosmetic surgery. Just little baby steps such as taking very good care of your appearance, maybe a new hairstyle, clearing all the clutter from your house and possibly improving your finances. Whatever suits you. You need your former partner to realize that time has not stood still for you since the break up.
Imagine this scenario. It’s 3 weeks from now and, as you walk along the shopping mall, you bump into your ex….
- How do you look?
- Like a dishevelled mess or a million dollars?
- What does you ex think when they see you?
- Blimey, he/she looks absolutely dreadful or wow, he/she looks great!
- He/she must be missing me dreadfully or he/she can’t be missing me as much as I had imagined.
- Quick, better dive in this store before he/she sees me or I wonder where they’re going / who they’re seeing?
- I knew I was right to break up or I think I’ve made a big mistake!!
You know which answers you want…right?!
It’s called fake it until you can make it.
As hard as it may be to keep looking your best, it will actually help you in the recovery process by improving your self esteem.
No Contact Rule – How To Get Through It?
Not rocket science really, you just need to keep busy. As I touched upon earlier, you should already be considering areas of your life that can be improved. In addition to that, you may want to take up a new hobby or do some of the million and one things that you never had the time to do when you were part of a couple.
It is also really helpful to keep a diary. Use it to write down what you are feeling and maybe what you would like to say to your ex. Use this period to analyse your relationship and, importantly, decide whether or not your ex is really the one for you. In the cold light of day, this new, stronger you may actually decide that you no longer want a reconcillation and that the world has a lot more to offer you!
Also, if you find it helps, write down the days of your separation and mark them off as you get through each one. This process will help you get through the no contact rule one day at a time.
No Contact Rule – How Long Should I Wait?
Well, how long is a piece of string?
There is no definitive answer to this, despite what others might tell you.
I know you want me to give you a specific length of time to wait for no contact. Some even promote a 30 day no contact rule. Others suggest a 60 day no contact rule. But we are all different. Our relationships and reasons for break-up are different.
For example, if you were dumped because you cheated on your partner then it is going to take a long time for them to forgive and forget, if they ever do.
If this was your first breakup, then you may find that it takes less than 30 days for contact to be made.
The general consensus appears to be that the no contact rule should be implemented for between 2 to 6 weeks. As tough as it may seem, I personally consider 2 weeks to be an absolute minimum. You both need time and space to reflect on your relationship and to lick your wounds.
An interesting fact to bear in mind is that, on average, most reconciliations will occur by the 3 month marker. However, please don’t get too hung up on this. It is only an average and some couples may take longer to reunite.
Broke The No Contact Rule?
If you have broken the no contact rule, don’t panic!
Yes, of course it is a retrograde step, but you simply start again. No contact rule success takes time. It is not an overnight remedy. You must be patient.
No Contact Rule at 12 weeks
Hopefully by now, if you’ve faithfully stuck to the no contact rule, then you ex will already have contacted you. If not, then you have a decision to make. Are you going to walk away or would you like to give it one last shot?
If the latter applies then you should contact your ex and invite them to meet up.
I personally believe that an email is a much better format for this invitation as it affords your ex the necessary time to consider your proposal and also, it doesn’t appear as if you’ve gone to too much trouble to extend the invite.
I’ve read other suggestions which include hand written letters and phone calls. To a large extent, I feel it has to be your decision. To me, in this day and age, a handwritten letter suggests that you have put far too much effort into planning this meet-up and may have ulterior motives.
The phone call is too instantaneous for my liking. Firstly, you may not get your message across as coherently as you would like. Secondly, bearing in mind that your ex has not spoken to you for 3 months, a phone call out of the blue will undoubtedly take them by surprise. This pressure may well prompt a negative response to your proposal.
You also need to carefully select options that do not scream ‘date!’
By this I mean lunchtime not evening time, coffee/snack not a meal, casual dress not formal dress. You get the picture.
Set a maximum time frame of an hour. I know you will want to stay for hours on end if the meeting goes well but, believe me, it is always best to leave them wanting more. If you can’t trust yourself to stick to this then schedule a meeting or an appointment so that you have to leave.
When you meet with your ex, whatever you do, do not talk about the breakup. Write down as many positive events that have occurred in your life since you last saw your former partner. Also discuss your future plans so that your ex realizes that your life has not stood still without them.
At the end, say that it was great meeting up but do not ask him or her when they will see you again. If they ask you, then all well and good. The ball is in your court. Just don’t mess it up by trying to exact revenge. If you would like to see them again then accept. Just take things slowly.
If your ex has not contacted you within a week then repeat this process again. However, please remember that not all relationships are salvageable and sometimes you have to be prepared to move on.
Good luck and best wishes with the No Contact Rule!